|
Well things have kind of been coming to a head for me these last couple of weeks/months. I basically wound up in a really dark place where i hated everything about my life and the only salvation I saw for me was in a relationship or death. Specifically a relationship with this girl that I've been pining over for 10 years (you may have read some posts i made about her awhile back). But I finally realized yesterday for the first time that I was really relishing in an unhealthy and an unrealistic obsession.
I never even fathomed, with the way the girl acted toward me that maybe the behavoir i was exhibiting was not romantic and sweet and thoughtful like i had been seeing it, but in fact was creepy and depraved. This epiphany has made me realize that I can no longer see or talk to this person or depend on them for any kind of comfort, and any kind of sad hope for the future. If you had asked me yesterday how i felt about a life that didn't include this person, I would've probably told you that I would much rather go run into an oncoming train.
But, strangely, I felt this great sense of relief as if a giant weight had been lifted off me, surprisingly I also quit FFXI last night, there is a good chance I'll come back, or at least come to help my ls with events and shit, but fuck spending every damn night in my room hooked up to the game like it's some crude life support system. 2 HUGE ballsy moves for me, that throws my whole life into uncertainty and takes away the only things I had in my life that gave me happiness and an escape to all my irl problems.
So, why aren't I a basket case right now? tbh, i don't know, i woke up this morning and i was still here, which means life goes on and i just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Before my dad passed away he instilled something in me which I've always tried to be mindful of and that was, "when 1 door closes, anotehr opens, and it is an exercise in futility to bang your head against a closed door, when there may be an open one just around the corner." so it's kind of exciting to kick off the life rafts that kept me afloat, and face the roughs waters with nothing but my own arms and legs to rely on. I have a good feeling like maybe my crutches were truly my prison and now i'm free to receive some goodness finally. lets hope so
_________________ 
|
Login
